This will be the story of a lonely man with no interesting aspect in life whatsoever. In this very occasion though, I am demanded to be very specific as so many people are waiting for my confession. I think I’d like to write this as a uumhhhh….., uh I am not sure what will this be frankly. I’ll just let it all through as it happened naturally, I guess. No pressure. I hope this will be enough explanation to you all fellas. I’ll be as thorough as it can be in less than two thousand words. So, let’s begin.
Years ago, I found another reason to move on with life. My life hadn’t exactly happy and full of love and joy. My father and mother weren’t really functional, both as a parent and as a person. It’s your typical broken Southern family. Drunken father, abused mother. Nothing’s changed for good down here. Same shite different day. They separated when they had my sister three years after they had me. And just so you know, both me and my sister never knew about him, until we are at least getting out of high school.
Life moved on, we went on to live with one of my mother’s relative. It was her younger brother I believe I can’t quite recall whom he was exactly. He’s a tall slender but muscular man, a carpenter, a very skilled one to be honest. Usually wears plaid. He only like three shades of them, red-white, green-black and all grey. Every day, at 8.00 in the morning he went out to his spot, bringing his shed of tools continue his work right there, not getting out even for lunch and coming out of his shade at exactly 5 in the afternoon. A devout man, that’s what he is. With one wife and three miscarriages, they both gave up and turn their head to Jesus instead.
Jesus might help them but He sure didn’t help my mama and her children. We lived day by day with my mama’s minimum wage. She worked day and night to support the three of us and yeah surely but barely enough. But it did anyway. Nobody knows why. My good uncle must’ve helped her went through it. A good family he and his young lovely wife. Every time I think of him now, I know that those five months with him were the only good memories of my childhood. I wish my life could’ve stuck in those days forever sometime.
Unfortunately, all those stopped when my mama found new beau. He supported the three of us. We said goodbye to them and moved away to the north. The snow was cold and it never get any gentler. So did my new papa. There was so many unspeakable things in our home. To my mama, to me, to my sister. He wasn’t human, he was never human. He was a Devil in Angel skin. People like him is the cancer of the world. I wish he’d just disappear someday. Nah, it’s too kind for him. He had to swallowed a wildfire or getting his limb chopped. Probably that’s even too kind for him. Oh, fellas, have I told you that he served Jesus in daylight? Yeah, that’s what he did for a living. People loved him, no wonder my mother did too at first sight. I guess this new papa loved Jesus too much, he started to treat both me and my sister like Jesus. Full of pain and blood. You dense hypocrite.
Even after all those, I could manage my life. My one and only sanctuary was my love of movies. Back in the days, movie was not as popular as it is at the time this is written. I made some cash specifically to buy my simple equipment of movie. I spend my time in this era with my movies. Not much friends outside my movies. Another human being that ever stick with me ended up picking in on me. They whether thought of me as a some kind of punching bag for their more miserable life or some clown to get laugh at. I hate them. There was no reason at all behind what they did to me, they just loved the fact of me being in pain to make them fell better. So, I stay away. Those filthy little human never deserved my attention. Never give them what they want. I chose to build up a giant tall wall around to protect my feelings. My life was totally cold as it can be. Felt like I’m just the one and only person living in my own space. I’m stuck. And it’s totally my fault.
All this darkness finally come to light when I met this specific someone. She found me out of nowhere to be honest. I was secretly shooting one of my movie and she bumped into me asking this specific matter that nobody will ever talked about. Instant love. Ah, you’re my one and only, girl. I don’t think I could ever tell another story about you. I just can’t. I’m here to talk about all my feelings about you, girl.
We had more and more intense relationship after that. Obviously. I have no idea why can’t I just said I loved her back then instead, doing what I did.
To describe my feeling better, I am going to put it this way, a force. A mystical dark force of love. What I felt was a whole different feeling. She was the only one who could give me that kind of warmth. There was some longing deep down inside that simply awakened by one single force. My life was so much better from that point. I want to give her the best of everything. Umhhh. Is this what they called love? My idealism of it was set too high then. I didn’t want to be like my folks. They were as tortured as human can be in a fake life living under fake love. I wanted something real, something essential that become one with my blood and bones. We will become one lover. You and me together in this world. Facing them monsters with our strong bare hands.
So that’s how love supposed to be felt. Nurturing each other’s life equally. Well, unfortunately that was something I could never ever have my entire life, as I am lonely pathetic and sorrowful. I realized that fact the day she kissed some other jerk behind the gym. “But she loves me,” I thought. Yeah, this just another lie. This feeling had deceived me from the truth. Out of the blue, I had this idea. I had to consummate my love to her. Yes, I had to. I know it was the right thing to do.
The next I knew was that I enjoyed her bones. I loved it very much. I cried as loud as I could be whilst screaming out of excitement. “This is it,” I mumbled in the middle of laughter. I felt so alive and yeah, it was real. Real emotion. The one kind that would not deceive you, but instead, shed a light on your heart. At first, we both screamed, then she started begging me to stop with her tears. I got confused then, as all I could think of was that we enjoyed this equally. Didn’t you, girl? Her sobbing stop as I choked the life off of her. I could not stop staring at her beautiful self. So yeah, I stared and stared until the dawn came. It was done, I thought. My job here was done, I served enough. What I could remember next was I got back to my room.
Alone in the dark, I finally got my best sleeping experience in that room in years. What rushed through my blood was so addicted that I was hugered for more and more “consummation”. Should I find another “love”? Yeah I know I would. So, the next morning was what I called an achievement unlocked. People keep talking about what I did. I was so proud that something I’ve done finally got some recognition. I mean, hell yeah. I would love to do some more of this ramp.
Then so it went. My second, my third and fourth and fifth. None of them was as special as my first one apparently. They left me an odd satisfaction and at least cured my thirst for a while. I lost track of number after the fifth one. I never quite remember what I did to be extremely honest. None of them worth my feelings after they served me well. Huh.
But, I have to admit that Sheila certainly got my attention enough. She is the one who got me caught. She was smart enough so you people finally found me. I do not remember why I chose her, yeah, I never remember the reason I suppose. What I can recall is that she resembled my sister in some sense. She didn’t make any sound nor anything when I was with her. Nothing. Just like my cold little heart here probably. Nothing.
I do not want to share my other experiment to anyone. I keep my mouth shout for any question they keep asking me. Well, you know what? I will let my action be speak louder than this mere words. I welcome you to my world now, fellas. Right now, I am ready for everything that has been destined for me, no more fear, no more loneliness.
Word count: 1617 words
– Axl Rose’s Wikipedia page
– Several Criminal Minds episodes from various seasons