Realm of Abyss: A Memoir

Aynaya Silmi Huriyyah180410160024

365 days ago today. I remember when I lie awake in silence. My eyes feel so heavy, yet I can’t seem to force myself to sleep. I feel burdened somehow. The universe is indifferent to us. We live on a pale blue dot on a remote corner of this vast galaxy we named Milky Way. It seems like we humans never cease to search for a meaning. In a sense, we think that we could comprehend everything in our reality. “Could we?” I thought, the way of how our brain works drag us to this technological advancements, we could travel through space, send telescopes to scavenge signs of life into its foreignness, we stepped foot on moon, we discover new habitable place; yet we somehow are confined by a barrier when we use our brains to try to comprehend meaning. My eyes went to the bedside table where I put it. They say our mind’s potential are virtually infinite, but in terms of philosophically contemplating our existence and its meaning, our chances of finding an absolute answer is infinitesimal, or even impossible.

52 weeks ago today. I was an empty shell that barely even went through the motions. I wasn’t living. I was just there. And I was there staring at the ceiling of my own small room, I’m having another conversation with myself. Seek an answer to that question. I try to think, but nothing seems to make sense. All I see are plain white walls that are full of cobwebs on each of every corner. I don’t have any big windows that allow sunshine to enter my room. Numerous books stacked together on the floor, I couldn’t find the time to buy myself a bookshelf, my eyes staring at the picture of me and mom which hanged on the corner of my room as my hands went to reach out on something on the bedside table. My thoughts wander again, is she doing okay?

A single source of light comes from my favorite neon lights that was hung right at the top of my bed. It’s too bright, but it’s all I have. The more I stare into the light, the more my senses couldn’t perceive my surroundings as my thoughts wander again. My body is on my bed but I’m letting my thoughts floating somewhere else and have their fun. I am swept into my own thoughts, deep thoughts. As though I’m staring into an abyss, I am overwhelmed. Is this what it feels to enter my realm of thoughts? I’m not sure. But it feels all too real to be a hallucination. In an instant, I am transported to a foreign place. I don’t know where this is. I could see flowers blooming, hydrangeas. The sun kissed my skin with its warmth. I think its summer. I’ve never been to such a place. How could this place be inside of my thoughts then? I’ve never visited a place that experienced a season such as summer. But I know what summer is, and I understand what summer’s like from books, songs and movies. I could feel the soft breeze of the wind stream through my hair, as though it’s caressing me. A summer breeze, I think I’m experiencing a summer breeze. I could see clouds that look like cotton above me. The sky is blue, and the weather is warm. Finally I found a place where I could let my ears rest from the scream that they always make.

12 months ago today. I could not recognized myself. I took it again from the bedside table. I feel lightheaded from the soft breeze of wind and the gleaming shine of the sun. I think my body isn’t used to being in a place without sadness. I close my eyes and I don’t see anything terrifying. That’s a first. I keep them closed and choose to enjoy this place, this feeling, for the time being. How could my realm of thoughts be so enjoyable? I’ve always thought that my thoughts would be darker than a moonless night. I stand still, dazed and confused. I walk through the meadow of flowers, ignoring all the beauty that surrounds me. The flowers, the clouds, the sky; I ignore everything. As I walk I realized how light my feet are. I could barely feel the burden on my shoulders. I actually feel happy. Is this really a place inside of my thoughts? I am happy, but there is something alongside with happiness, what is this? Is it doubt? Both confused and exhilarated by the world around me, I choose to sit down by a tree. Under the shade of the tree, I relax and think again. I am thinking while being inside of my thoughts. I thought about where I was before but suddenly it hits me. I was in my room, a very plain room with nothing to brag about to anyone, a place where I would spend my lonely nights in, a place where I would spend my sleepless nights thinking about many things that happened and things to come. This place, warm and comfortable, is by far better than my room. I’d never want to return to my room after being here. Perhaps there isn’t even any meaning to our existence at all.

One year ago today, I stared myself in the mirror and saw what I was becoming. Swollen eyes, both circles under my eyes are getting heavier. I saw the inability to even keep those eyes open in that reflection. I saw my broken soul in that mirror. I saw all the days I had missed, the friendships and lovers I’d lost. I saw the look in my best friend’s eyes the first time she had found me cutting. I saw my worst nights playing on the mirror like a drive-in movie created just for me to watch. For what had seemed like so long, the realm of my own abyss and cutting had been the captain of that ship, steering me through all the storms the sea could throw at me, plunging me into its depths each chance it got. One year ago today, I saw everything I’d missed, everything my dark thoughts had taken from me. Everything I’d taken from myself. I made a change. I stop hiding behind my vices from a world I’m afraid of seeing. One year ago today, I have the choice. I realized what I’m capable of, I have the strength to reach out and take hold of the hand that is grasping so desperately to pull me back into existence. One year free of cutting and being a prisoner of my own thoughts. One year free of the endless cutting had put me through. I’m not saying that every day was easy and wasn’t a battle cause it was. Every day I continue to fight is another day of won. It’s one year free of giving in to my demons. One year free of letting them win and take my life over. A year has passed, and I am no longer the prisoner on that ship. I no longer stand by and let the demons dance in the flames around me, mocking my desires, because the flames are no longer there. One year ago, everything changed. I discover a better place, I have never seen a year as beautiful as this.

Photo by: Willey

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