“Happy 3 years anniversary!”, I shouted it out loud as I gave him our three-years-anniversary-cake. He smiled and then he kissed my forehead, his favorite part of my face. I still remember our last anniversary like it was yesterday. Ya, our last anniversary. Our last day celebrate our relationship before everything ended. Our last day hanging out with happiness at our lovely place, the basketball court which is the place where we spend our time the most. Little did we know it would be our last anniversary. I didn’t see it coming. The end. The end of our relationship.
“I should move to Chicago. To live with my mom and continue my study there”, he said. I didn’t say a word because I just don’t know what I have to do with that.
He already told me about this a long time ago. After his parents got divorced, his mom asked him so many times to move to Chicago with her. His mom said it’s better to continue his study there, to go to college at Chicago. He said at that time he was still not sure about moving out to Chicago. He was not even sure about going to college at that time. But now, I know that he is 100% sure about that.
“We can work it out. I promise. We can use Skype. I will call you every day. I promise everything will be alright. It’s not gonna affect our relationship”, he said.
He tried so hard to convince me that everything will be alright even though he move so far away from me. I still keep my mouth shut. My mind was blank. I tried to hold my tears because I don’t want him to see me cry and then feeling bad about his decision to move to Chicago.
“I will come home as often as I could. I will work it out. We will”, he said.
“Please say something. I love you, Nes. Come on. Say something”. I can’t. I can’t open my mouth and say a word because I tried so hard to hold my tears.
“I… um… I don’t know, Lan. I don’t know. I don’t think we can work this out”, finally I said something.
There were so many things that going through my mind at that time. The first thing that going through my mind is the fact that Chicago is 9,819 miles away from Indonesia. I know that he can’t promise me to come to Indonesia that often. It’s not that easy. The idea of long distance relationship, I can’t even imagine that. I want to say what I thought about all of this to him. But I just can’t. If I told him, it will affect his decision and I don’t want him to change his decision.
“Why? Why you think we can’t work this out? Trust me, Nessa. Please”.
“Please. Let’s just give it a try…”
“Give it a try? Then what are we gonna do when it’s not working? We are just gonna break up via Skype? Or just break up with no word, walk away and forget everything like it was nothing? That’s what you want?”
“That’s not what I meant, Nessa…”
I shut my mouth and didn’t said another word. I can’t told him what’s the real things and problems that going through my mind. I can’t told him what I really felt about him moved away to Chicago. Before he even finished his words, I made the most stupid decision that I’ve ever made in my entire life. I walked away. Without saying anything, without giving him any explanation, I walked away.
“Nessa! Where are you going?”, he shouted my name but I didn’t look back. My face was covered with tears. The tears that I’ve been holding on for so long as I didn’t want to cry in front of him.
“So that’s it? You’re just gonna walk away and end our relationship like this, then?”, he keep talking as I walked away. And I keep ignoring him without even looked back.
And… That’s it. That’s how I end my relationship. And… I regret it until now. Maybe I will regret it forever. But I can’t change what’s already happened, right?
You think Dylan didn’t fight for me? Oh, yes he did. After I left him with no explanation, he texted me hundred times, called me, try to talk to my best friend—and also his best friend, Pinky, to know what’s going on with me. To know, if our relationship ended like that, or what.
“What happened, Nessa? What happened between you and Dylan? He told me that you left him just like that after he told you about his plan moving to Chicago. Is that right?”
Pinky already asked this question so many times as Dylan requested her to talk to me. But still, I keep my mouth shut. I just don’t know how to explain everything in the right way. Explain about how scared I am to be so far away from him. Scared that maybe this relationship won’t work out after he moved to Chicago, because we have to do this long distance relationshit.
“I’m scared… It’s not going to work, Pink. I knew it. Long distance relationship won’t work. You know that”, I cried so hard that day as I told Pinky everything.
“He want to go so much, Pink. I knew it. I knew from the very first day his parents got divorced, I know he want to go with his mom to Chicago so much. But he didn’t want to leave me so he said that he was not sure about moving out to Chicago. But I know him that well, Pink. I know that he want to go”, I cried like a crazy person. My eyes were swollen, my throat was burned, my nose was hurt because of the ingus was too much as I cried harder and harder.
Ya, when his parents got divorced, Dylan’s mom moved to Chicago right away and live with her new family. I was there, when Dylan took her mom to the airport and I knew how much he wanted to go along with his mom.
“He told me that he will be leaving next week. Do you want to come with me to drop him at the airport? He said I should take you to the airport. He want to see you before he leave”. Ah… So he already talked to Pinky about the day he will be leaving. He didn’t get a chance to tell me when he was going to leave because I left him just like that.
“Nessa? Don’t you wanna see him for the last time? And maybe talk to him and explain everything? Because he still want to work this out, Nes. And I know you want it too”. I know that I should meet him and talk to him. But I was too scared to do that. So I said…
“No. Just let him go. I want to explain nothing. It may affect his decision, and I don’t want that. So… Just let him go”
Just like what Pinky told me, the next week she drop Dylan at the airport. She said that Dylan was so sad because I didn’t come to see him for the last time. She said that Dylan won’t ever bother me again if that’s what I want.
That’s not what I want! What I want is I don’t want him to go. That’s it.
“Tell her, I won’t bother her anymore. I guess we’re done. I hope she’s happy as I gone. Tell her, thank you for the past 3 years. And I’m sorry I have to made this decision. I’m sorry she didn’t want to try maybe because she didn’t believe in me. Tell her all of that, Pink”
“Lan… She is still in love with you. I can tell. She’s just…”
“It’s okay, Pink. It’s okay. Maybe this is the best thing for both of us. It’s okay”
And… He’s gone. He’s leaving. To Chicago. I was in my room when he was gone to Chicago. And I cried my heart out. I feel like I’m going to regret my decision, and yes I am. But now, there’s nothing I can do to change that. There’s no way I’m going to call him and ask him to take me as his girlfriend again, right? I’m not gonna do that. So I just sat there, in my room, with my mind playing the flashback from all of our story from the past 3 years, and whispered, “Goodbye, Lan… Take care”.
And now, here I am. 2 years has passed after he moved to Chicago, and I am still regretting the decision that I made that day. I still come to the basketball court—our lovely and memorial place—whenever I feel like I miss him. The basketball court, the place where everything happened. Our memories. The place where we used to celebrate our anniversary. The place where I used to accompany him to exercise, to play basketball. The place where everything happened. Every happiness that we shared happened. Pinky come along with me today to the basketball court. It is nice to have someone to accompany when you feeling kinda blue like today.
“He hate me, right?”
“No he is not, Nessa. How many times I already told you that he didn’t hate you”
“But why he didn’t text me? You know… just like for making things clear that everything is okay between us”
“He didn’t text you because it is not okay between both of you. God damn it, Nessa. Why you still asking that kind of question? You know that he said he won’t bother you anymore”
Right now, I’m feeling like I’m stupid and also crazy. I asked stupid question, the question that I already know the answer, and asked Pinky to do crazy thing. I asked Pinky to keep in touch with him and once every month asked him when he will come back to Indonesia. Ya, I’m that crazy. I have no guts to contact him by myself, so I use Pinky to do that. I feel like, if I text him he won’t reply to it. The tables is like turning on me right now. 2 years ago I can’t even say a word to explain everything, and now I regret it so much. I wish I told him everything and believe in him.
“He already had… You know… My replacement… Right?”
“No, he is still single. Not planning to find a new girlfriend he said. Maybe he can’t open his heart for a new girl yet”
Is it because of me?
“He said that he still have no plan about coming back to Indonesia. He’s a freshman on college now”
“Can you asked him ag….”
“No, Nes. I will not asked him the same question every month! I will help you but not every month! Can you just stop thinking about him and move on? It is your decision when you choose not to continue the relationship as he gone to Chicago”
“I know, Pink. I know”. I put my hand on my face to cover it up as the tears falling on my face. Why did I regret it so much? Why?
“You regret it, don’t you? But you have to move on, Nes”
If only I told him about my fear. If only I told him how I really feel about the idea of long distance relationship. If only I told him how scared I am because he will be so far away from me. If only I told him everything that was going through my mind that day. If only I didn’t walked away that easily that day. If only I explain everything about why I feel like we can’t work this relationship out. If only I’m not that selfish to think only about myself. If only I…
“Why I regret it so much, Pink? Why I can’t move on? Why I’m still thinking about him?”
Tears stream down on my face as I think about how I regret it so much.
“I love him, Pink. I will always love him. But I know I can’t be like that…”
“For how long will I love you, Lan?”
Word Count: 2061