Final Writing: Fear of Love (Fiction)

Breda Mukti Lukitasari/ 180410150046

I am Valerie, I am a sixteen years old girl who lives in a small house that full of love. I have two older sisters named Isabella and Alyssa. Isabella and Alyssa is a twin. They really care about me and always give me some advices in life, considering they are seven years older than me. Because of I am still regarded as a child, they always hang out together and forget about me, but Mama always there for me. She is so calm and gentle. Compare to Alyssa, Isabella and I. Then there is Papa, Papa is very firm. Sometimes he snaps at us about unimportant things. But Mama is being patience and understanding with Papa that sometimes makes me wondering how Mama can bear with it.

It is 7:30 pm when Alyssa yelled from her room “Ma!! Papa called me and asked if we want to go to the karaoke.” Mama, who was cutting my bangs looked at me, she knows really well that I love singing then she asked “do you want to go?” I nodded excitedly. “Okay, let’s go then. Go take a shower!” We leave the house by car and meet Papa at the mall. “Where is Papa? Is he contact one of you?” asked Mama, then the three of us check on our phone. “Oh, he said he is waiting at the Chinese restaurant on the third floor” Isabella said as she looked at her phone. Then we walk straight to the restaurant. From distance I could see Papa sits alone eating his rice noodles. “Have you eaten yet? Eat some food before we go to the karaoke” said Papa while giving Isabella and I the menu. After we eat, we go to the karaoke. We spent four hours in the karaoke. “May we have the bill please? And this coupon still can be used right?” asked Papa as he shows a piece of paper to the servant. “Oh yes sir, this coupon gives you 30% off.” After Papa pay the bill we are going home by different car. Papa with Mama. Alyssa, Isabelle with me.

“Did you know where Papa gets that coupon?” asked Isabella to Alyssa “I do not know! Someone must often come to that karaoke to get the coupon, right?” said Alyssa. “Do you think Papa go with whom?” asked Isabella then they shout “WAAAAHHHH!!!” but then suddenly stopped “Oops!! Little pitchers have big ears” Alyssa said. I am the one who sits in the backseat frowned, did not understand what Isabella and Alyssa are talking about. So, I just listen to them silently and talking with myself “With whom? Of course with Uncle Ipul, Papa’s driver, he love singing and dancing. Who else? Oh or maybe with Papa’s colleague. Maybe.”

A few days later I borrow Alyssa’s laptop for finishing my assignment. After I finished, I start to open all of her folders. I found some silly pictures of her and her friends. Then I found a folder that contains several novels and short story. I am surprised when I find out that she also writes a story. I open it excitedly. I am in a dazed when I read it, the story tell about family, about how the father has affair with his employee and how the mother try to leave but then the father beg her to stay. The youngest sister in that story did not know what happened because she was not born yet at that time so the older sisters try to hide it. After I finished reading the story without realizing it my eyes filled with tears. I am so weak when I read something sad about family. I wonder why Alyssa did not publish this story on Wattpad, our favorite online storytelling community. Maybe she could get some profit from there.

A few months later, I stay at home when my sisters and Mama leave for groceries and Papa leave for carwash. I watch television, but then I am getting bored and start doing something fun. So I open Isabella’s wardrobe and try every single clothes that she has. After I am done mess up with Isabella’s wardrobe I start to open Alyssa’s bookcase. I look at her year books from elementary school to high school. When I am finished with her year books, I tried to arrange those books as before, so she will not find out that I messed up with her bookcase. But then I found this green cover book that attract me to open it, so without hesitation I open it and start to read. “Oh My God! This is Alyssa’s diaries” On the first page Alyssa write down her name and her boyfriend’s name. Then on the next page she writes down about how she missed her boyfriend, I cannot help but cringe, so I open the other page quickly. Accidentally I open the page with “Papa” as a title.

When I am finished read the story, I feel numb and shocked. Is this story real? Papa was cheated on Mama not once, not twice but trice. First when I was not born yet, second when I was in kindergarten and trice when I was in elementary school. Then I realize that when I was in kindergarten there is my friend’s mother, she lived in this neighborhood and visits my house every day. She always had excuses to meet Papa, but my sister, Alyssa try to kick her out of my house. Shortly after that incident my neighborhood was fussing about how that woman stopped Papa’s car and try to flirt with him. I did not understand and realize that when I was a kid. Then when I was in elementary Papa always gives one woman a drive. She brought me some toys and sometimes asked me several questions. I am sure that Mama knew about this, because I brought those toys home but Mama never complained she just closes her eyes and ears. Pretending she do not know anything. Tears rolled down my face. I wonder how painful it is to be Mama. It is hurts to see Mama hurt. I am disappointed and broken hearted, because I thought Papa would be the only man that would never hurt me. But in facts he is the first man that broke my heart really bad and i think I need a lifetime to heal. My respect towards Papa slowly decreased as I keep thinking about that problem. I am speechless, so I just lied down on my bed and close my eyes, until darkness takes over me.

I did not speak to Papa for weeks. Scare that I will burst into tears. Now I realize why Isabella and Alyssa protective over Mama and little bit ignorant to Papa. Mama, Alyssa and Isabella hide this family’s disgrace from me. Maybe they are afraid that I will hate Papa.

7 years later

Until now Mama, Isabella, and Alyssa never said it clearly that Papa was cheated on Mama, but they give me a lot of hints for me so I can find out by myself. Little did they know, I know about all of this since a long time ago. Considering now I am adult.

I am doing my assignment in my room, and then suddenly Mama knocks on my door. “Val, you did not have a boyfriend right?” I did not look away from my laptop “Jeez Mama not again” Mama sits closer. “I know that you know about it. Know about Papa. But Val, I hope that problem did not make you suffering. Not every man is the same. Everything is fine now, I am fine. Even Alyssa and Isabella already married. When Alyssa and Isabella were twenty-three years old, they already had a boyfriend and exes. Look at you, at least try okay? Try to get into relationship, find a boyfriend. If you did not get one I am going to match you with a friend of Alyssa’s husband” I am just rolling my eyes, and stare at her. “Mama you know me really well, I just want to focus on my studies and I think having a relationship will give me difficulties” Mama stands up and walks to the door “but remember, times fly okay? You have to think about it too” I smiles “of course Mama”

I never had a boyfriend in my life. I have been single in my entire life. I have trust issues. Since knowing that Papa was cheated on Mama I do not have the courage to have a relationship. I believe that all men are the same. Papa, Isabella ex-boyfriend, some of my friend they all cheated. I am afraid that whoever my boyfriend or husband is, they going to cheat on me. Beside that sometimes I wonder about my self-worth. Did I worthy to be loved? Even Papa cheated on Mama that makes me feel like he did not love our family especially me, and choose to have fun with other women. That is why I always feel awkward, shy, closed off towards people especially men. Love is scary.

I have to go to clear out my mind. I decided to go to Yello Café. I pack my laptop and change my clothes. “Mama I am leaving” I yelled. Mama did not replay.

I sit in the corner near the window “Hai, can I get one hot chocolate please?” I said to the waitress. I turn on my laptop and start to continue my assignment. Suddenly my phone is ringing, Alyssa is calling. “Hai, what is up?” I asked as I typed my assignment “Mama just called me, and she is worried about you” there is a long pause “Al, I am only twenty-three I do not want to think about it. Relationship is not my priority now. I want to achieve all of my dreams. I want to live my life” I could hear her sobbing “Okay fine. I am going to try. In one condition, you choose it for me, and if it is not work out than I am not going to try anymore”

Here I am sitting alone in the café. Waiting for stranger, basically he is Alyssa’s friend who I am not familiar with. After I am sitting alone awkwardly for a few minutes I decided to order latte while waiting for him. After a while come an athletic guy who looked much older than me. It must be him. I raised my hand to get his attentions. When he seen me, he smiled broadly then waves at me. I smile awkwardly. It is my first experience in relationship, let’s see how it is going.

“Hai I am Barra and you must be Valerie”

Word count: 1790

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