180410110118 / D
Summary: A man who carrying guilty pleasure about the death of his sister and finally took a journey which taught him about forgiveness.
A Journey of Forgiveness
I stepped on a soft wet grassland. It was very quiet there. I could even hear the sound of my own footsteps. It was a savanna, a big wide savanna. I expected to meet something there. But as far as my eyes could see, there was nothing but that soft wet grassland. I walked doubtfully, trying to figure out where the hell I was. The thoughts inside my head told me to keep walking. It is as if deep down inside me I knew what to do.
As I walked along the land, there came those memories, showing the picture of that day, the day on November. Senja, my little sister, asked me to take her to the beach. She said it was a lovely day to get tanned. She used to in love with the sea. She said the sea loved her so much that it wouldn’t give her any harm. I, as her brother, couldn’t swim well. In fact, water was frightening to me, especially the sea. But the atmosphere, the scent, the sun, they couldn’t lie. It made me felt like in home, like it always did.
On that day, my phone couldn’t stop ringing. It was from my boss who asked me to handle the office. Sadly, I said that I couldn’t accompany her that day. She looked very unhappy. As a slight smirk crossed her face, she said that I had gotten too busy with my job and began to forget how to enjoy my life anymore. She made me promised her to go with her next weekend and she said there was something she wanted to show me.
Never thought before that I would regret my decision to not accompany her until my mother called me on dinner. She sounded worried. She said that Senja hadn’t been home yet. Then my heart beat faster. I knew there was something wrong. My little sister wouldn’t make our mother worried.
Senja still wasn’t home for the next three days. It was a very hard time for me and mother. Our hopes that she would come back always supported us. Until the frightening fact slapped me in the face, she never came home anymore. Oh, how I wished I had choosen to accompany her.
Those memories were breaking me, each part of me. Every image crushed me down, getting me on my knees. It hit me pretty hard as my chest hollowed by those images. I was crying. I was sobbing. I was asking for help. I was asking for anyone who could get this fixed. I couldn’t breathe. The guilty I carried every day, it crashed me down.
I cried until there were no tears anymore. I looked up, then I saw Senja, with her smile, was running in the middle of a field of sunflowers -her favorite flower. I got up and tried to chase her. She was still running. I called her name but it seemed that she couldn’t hear me. Suddenly, she disappeared, leaving me alone in the middle of sunflowers field. Then slowly, the field swallowed me. And once again, I screamed for help. I was scared.
As it was swallowing me, I could feel the field sent me to another place. While the drum’s beats filled up my ears, I felt the cold forcing to come inside me. Slow but sure, the cold swallowed me from my toe to the head. I felt numb. I couldn’t feel my legs. The only thing I could do was guessing where it would take me. And I was right; it took me to the deep of the ocean.
I freaked out. I couldn’t breathe. The water was too deep. It was too dark to see. I was scared. I tried to swim to the surface, but it was useless. There was something hold me to stay. I had no intention to look at it. I was just too scared to know what was going on.
Then I heard some voices. I was not sure it was someone’s or maybe something’s voices. But it was talking to me. Faintly I heard the words, ‘Let it go.’ The next thing I knew was that the voice calmed me down. I didn’t know how, but it made me felt safe. I started to look around and breathe. I saw the ocean in a whole different way. It was crowded with fishes and sea creatures with lots of colors, even in colors that I have never seen before.
The pictures approached me again. It made a film in my head containing those memories between me and Senja. The memories about our first cycling lesson, our first swimming lesson. Yeah, I could see her smile. I could smell her scent. I could feel her presence in a sunny weather with our mother sitting on a bench waving at us.
The ocean then got me again. I blinked my eyes just to make sure where I stood.
‘No, no, give me back that moment! Please, please!’
I opened my eyes. I was nowhere but in my own room. The clock showed 5.23 in the morning. As I tried to breathe normally, I started to remember what I had been through and began to cry. It was not the same tears, it was the tears of healing. Then I knew that Senja was happy with what fate has wrote for her. But the question came through my head, ‘why wouldn’t I have the same fate?’ If my life was nothing more than another cosmic joke, I thought I should just enjoy the show. Universe rebuilds itself along the way, nothing more, and nothing less.
Big thanks to Firman Maulana for correcting my grammar issue and Agung Prasetyo for making it easier to read.
Reference: Supernova: Partikel by Dee Lestari.